I was raised into a twisted version of Christianity that is very perverse (Jehovah’s Witnesses). It traumatized me, but I still believed it even as I left at around 17. I am 24 now. For about 5 years or so I have been into ‘New Age’ (without labeling myself as such) including in big online communities.
I have recently got sober from all drugs but weed, was heavy into poly substance addiction (benzos, opiates, pregabs, ketamine, anything that made me feel better or got me out of my head for a second really). I have also struggled with porn and masturbation addiction most of my life – I have definitely cut it down a lot the last couple of months but I’ve never liked that I did it. I swear constantly, I’m British and it’s just part of how I speak.
Worst of the sins I believe is likely the occult aspects of ‘new age’ ‘spirituality’ I partook in and still find myself drawn to – manifestation, etc. I recently threw away sage and Egyptian figures and other things that could be labelled as ‘idols’.
If I’m being honest even deep into new age, part of me still questioned Christianity.
Long story short, what really has me convinced is diving deep into Epstein. I knew about him as a ‘conspiracy theorist’ in 2017, but everything that came out about Baal and such and of course the obvious satanic imagery in Hollywood, the music industry, fashion, new age… it’s become almost undeniable for me.
I also believe I have had some actual spiritual experiences. I felt if ‘angels’ fighting dark spirits over me while in a vulnerable psychedelic state and also felt an external strong force firmly tell me ‘NO!’ as I was about to try DMT properly for the first time. More convincing even was when I struggled with sleep paralysis that I fully believe was supernatural and dark, including horrifying and realistic nightmares, when I said ‘Jesus’ in my head it instantly would end when nothing else seemed to work.
I have also been getting what I believe to be signs calling me to God.
I am so scared though because to follow Christ and start this path would mean:
- First of all accepting it as reality. This has been my deepest fear due to the aforementioned religious trauma.
- Changing my ways drastically. Would I even recognize myself? I would have to cut off my atheist/new age/Muslim/etc. friends for instance, correct?
- I would have to fully reconcile with my sins and feel the weight of them before asking for forgiveness.
- I struggle with discipline and Christianity isn’t a one-and-done prayer, it’s the narrow path lifestyle.
- More embarrassingly, fear of stigmatization, everyone hates Christians.
- I also don’t know where to turn as my local area doesn’t seem to have any good churches and a lot of denominations and the Vatican, etc. itself have ties to the occult, etc.
Note I do have a Bible (KJV) in my house but it remains unread and I haven’t prayed to repent as I’m scared.
I’m still not 100% convinced it is the truth, more like 90% because everything is deliberately so confusing nowadays.
Please can anyone give me some guidance? Massively appreciate it in advance, thank you ♥️
It sounds like the Lord has been calling you for a long time. I understand your fear of making big changes to your life, but consider Matthew 11:28-30. Jesus promises he will be gentle and you’ll find rest for your soul. It’s not supposed to be a heavy burden. It’s supposed to be a close relationship with the Lord that leads to obedience because you want to follow him.
JW’s are definitely a cult because they don’t believe Jesus is God.
New Age is definitely demonic. Check out Doreen Virtue. She was heavily into New Age and became a Christian.
You don’t have to cut off your non-believing friends (Muslims, Atheists) unless they don’t respect your boundaries not to participate in sinful things.
I suggest you download the You Version bible app for your phone and start reading the gospel of John. Pray that God would show you the truth and help you have the kind of faith that leads to salvation.
Lay it all at His feet. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. The spirit will convict you from there.
Don’t worry about the things you fear, the Bible says perfect love casts out fear. Jesus will accept you as you are, but He also loves you enough to not leave in your sin❤️ same for me and everyone else. What concerns do you have about Jesus?