My mom died recently. She was only 65 and had a massive stroke, which killed her almost instantaneously. My dad was absolutely devastated at first, but he has started to recover emotionally and is doing pretty well now.
Recently I discovered incontrovertible evidence (hundreds of emails) that my mom cheated on my dad for many years. My dad, as far as I am aware, has no knowledge of the affairs.
There were at least two different men, one of which appears to be fairly short-lived, and one of which carried on for years or possibly even decades.
I don’t know how to feel about this or what to do, if anything. Of course, I’m totally disgusted by my mom’s behavior, and I’ve lost nearly all respect for her. If she were still alive, I definitely would confront her about it. I wish I didn’t say all those nice things about her at her funeral, honestly. That’s how horrible this feels.
I don’t know if I should tell my dad. It doesn’t feel like it’s my place or that it would do any good. He has no plans to remarry and kept telling my mom’s lifeless body (right after the stroke) how thankful he was for their many decades of marriage together. As far as he’s concerned, she was the best thing to ever happen to him.
Both of the men she cheated with are still alive. One of them (the one that carried on the affair for many years) is a close family friend with kids my age (we grew up together, attending a lot of the same family events), although I haven’t seen him in a long time. I don’t know if I should confront him or tell his kids.
I am seeking spiritual advice on how to internally process this and what actions, if any, I should take next.
My dad is a Christian. I am a Christian. My mom was a self-professing Christian. I unfortunately have no idea when the affairs ended or whether my mom ever repented and sought forgiveness.
Based on the trove of emails I’ve seen, it seems likely that the affairs probably ended around 2019. They definitely started as early as 2008, but some of the messages lead me to believe this was happening ever since I was a kid.
I have no siblings, and I don’t think I should talk about it with my aunts and uncles. Just feels like it would be robbing them of their innocence. My grandparents are all long gone.
Here are the verses that are on my heart during this difficult time.
Romans 14:19 – Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
Proverbs 12:23 – A prudent man conceals knowledge, But the heart of fools proclaims foolishness.
Colossians 3:13 – bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
Matthew 11:28 – Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Thanks for any thoughts, scripture, and advice you can offer.
That is so heavy. I’m so sorry. I don’t see any benefit to telling your dad about it, but this would definitely be worth getting a good counselor for your own sanity because that’s a LOT for you to mentally deal with on your own. Just having someone you can pour it all out to might help you a lot.
Brother, I say this with the utmost gravity.
Do not tell your dad.
Let him live the remainder of his life in peace.
Telling your dad will permanently ruin him emotionally and psychologically because he will have no means for emotional closure, since she’s passed on. The emotional and psychological damage may cut short his life. Don’t let him walk down that path.
This is a heavy burden for any son to bear. If you must, share it only with someone you trust. Either way, turn this to an advantage and treat this as obedience to your father in heaven. Your reward will come.